2017
4 JOKES A DAY
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777 Jokes in the 4 Jokes A Day Archive!

Joke: Just an old man?

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Light travels faster than sound!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: His whole left side cut off!

I knew a guy who got his whole left side cut off. He's all right now.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Taking care of the pet rabbit!

I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

"Once," my 12-year-old son replied.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Be Safe!

"The federal government said today if you're caught outside near the explosion of a radioactive bomb, do not panic. Lie down on the ground and cover your head and if you can stay in this position for 14.2 million years, you'll be fine."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Three blondes walk into a building...

Three blondes walk into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Five Great Excuses for Falling Asleep at your Desk #2!

1. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

2. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

3. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that sars medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

5. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our sleeping employees problem!"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: What are the pictures?

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Computer Problems x2??? !!!

Just some more stupid people to give you a good feeling!:

** A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

** An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

** Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

** Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

** In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

** A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: When life gives you melons...

When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Lovers' names carved in a tree!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Difference Between Republicans and Democrats!

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: What does DNA stand for?

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: The flight attendant keeps saying...

The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Nebraska!

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: While out Jogging One Morning

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Why is it?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? --George Carlin

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Congressional Football!

The Republicans and Democrats in Congress are constantly telling jokes about one another, and finally they agree to have a flag football game: The losing party won't be allowed to tell jokes about the winning party for one full year, and every year they'll replay the contest.

Of course they play this game in RFK Stadium in D.C. The stadium is filled with onlookers who are watching this inept contest between elderly congressmen and roaring with laughter.

Late in the third quarter, the score is tied at 0-0. A factory across the Anacostia River blows its shift whistle, and the stupid Democrats think this is the end of the game, so they leave the field.

Thirteen plays later, the Republicans score.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Fourth Quarter!

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: What did the Hispanic fireman name...

Q: What did the Hispanic fireman name his twin boys?

A: Hose A & Hose B!

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Holding the Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Avid Golfer!!!

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Joke Categories:
Golf Jokes


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #2!

** Why is a boxing ring square?

** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

** Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

** Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: We'll Get 'Em

"President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said 'Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this.'"

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Stockholm Syndrome...

I've just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: They all laughed when...

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Poor Horse!

'This week, the movie 'Seabiscuit', about a famous racehorse, opens and it is expected to be a big hit. In fact, they're already working on a sequel called, 'Glue-Stick.'

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Noah's Ark...

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: Shin Definition!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Palindromes #4!!!

Lepers repel

Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil

Live evil

Ma is a nun, as I am

Madam, in Eden I'm Adam

May a moody baby doom a yam?

Murder for a jar of red rum

Never odd or even

No misses ordered roses, Simon

Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The Talking Clock!!!

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MORONS! IT'S 2 AM!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes
School Jokes


Joke: Piano!

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Lost in a balloon

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below.

One of the balloonists calls down to him:

"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

"You're in a balloon!"

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

"That man must be a manager."

"Why?"

"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Someone stole my Microsoft Office!

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Columbus!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: What pregnancy is really like!

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Meeting Of The Minds!!!

A lawyer and a doctor were on an extravagant fishing trip. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid a mint for everything I lost."

"Now that's quite a coincidence," said the doctor, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and said, "Really? How do you start a flood?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Good Heart

A man about to have a heart transplant was offered the choice of either a 26 year-old marathon runner's heart or the heart of a 62 year-old IRS agent. He picked the agent's heart because he said it had never been used.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Pennsylvania!

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise!

After his death, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Food chain!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: President Bill Clinton Quote #1

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening."

-Bill Clinton

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: 10 blondes at the bottom of the ocean!

What do you call 10 blondes tied together at the bottom of the ocean? .... an air pocket.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Good to be home!

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag-induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A Moral Question

Pretend that you're a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you're wandering around looking for a good shot, you see Hillary Clinton in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so she won't get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue her or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #3

1. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

2. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

3. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

4. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Hotel minibar!

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Explaining a joke!

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but the frog dies.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Build a man a fire!

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Teacher, Garbage Collector and a Lawyer!

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn't really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Heart of a lion!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Happy Death

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken!", replies the coroner.

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Give/Take?

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.

A man elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am a Revenue officer," gasped the man.

"In that case," said the first man, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped the other man's hand and was hauled to safety. He turned to the amazed bystanders and declared, "Never ask a tax man to GIVE you anything, you fools!"

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: The Accidental E-mail!!!

One day there lived a man and a woman named Mr. and Mrs. Jones who lived in Delaware. One day Mr. Jones had to take a business trip to Hawaii. While in Hawaii, Mr. Jones e-mailed his wife every day just to say, " I love you and I miss you."

However, one day Mr. Jones had trouble remembering the e-mail address. He did the best he could but he was not successful. Instead of the message being sent to his wife it was mistakenly sent to a lady whose husband was a preacher and had just died.

The lady opened the e-mail and it read," Honey, I miss you so much and I love you"..."p.s.- it sure is hot down here!"

The lady fainted at the computer.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: The Strong Man's Secret!!!

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Just Random #1!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Palindromes #2!!!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Not New York, Roy went on.

Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.

A Fool, A Tool, A Pool; LOOPALOOTALOOFA!

A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!

Able was I ere I saw Elba -- Napoleon before he met his Waterloo

Dennis and Edna sinned

Dennis sinned

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: What Hallmark doesn't Print!

"You're depriving some poor village of its idiot"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Hunting fossils!

I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn't exactly my wife's favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and told my wife what they were, she squelched my excitement.

"I've heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home," she remarked, "but this is the first time I've heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Ohio!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: A Miscalculation at the Pearly Gates

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #1!

** Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

** Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

** Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Joke Categories:
Psychic Jokes
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Chess Nuts!

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, 'I could beat Karpov with no problem.'

'Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time.'

'That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!'

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.

'But why?' a bystander asked.

'Because,' the manager replied 'I hate... chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!'

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Tips for Success in Business: Messy desk!

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: An expert!

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Just One

"A conservative group is asking Americans to boycott all companies who advertise on Monica Lewinsky's new reality show. The conservative group is made up of several right wing Republicans and one female Democratic senator."

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Weddings: you're next!

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: The gene pool...

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Blonde iPod at the hair parlor!

A blonde goes into the hair parlor with her iPod on.

"I need to take the iPod off," said the stylist.

"You can't, I'll die!" said the blonde.

"But I can't cut your hair with the iPod on your ears."

"You can't take it off, I'll die," argues the blonde.

Flustered the hair stylist grabs the iPod and takes it off of the head of the blond... the blonde dies.

The police come and listen to the iPod... it is repeating "breath in", breath out, breath...

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Not Bad!

"Hillary Clinton has written a book -- it's a 600-page memoir -- eight years in the White House. Six hundred pages, that's amazing. Not bad for a woman who, when she was there had no idea what was going on."

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Michigan!

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Racing snail!

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Truth In Politics!!!

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Fairy-tale romance!

My wife said she wanted a "fairy-tale romance," so I've locked her in a tower.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Cello!

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Lying Lawyer?!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Montana!

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unibomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Q: Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Tips for Success in Business: Voice mail!

Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Watch out for the VIRUS!!!

*AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting with them as your phone company.

*MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

*Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

*Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

*Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

*Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

*PBS (Public Broadcasting TV) Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

*Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

*Nike Virus: Just does it.

*Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

*Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.00.

*Los Angeles Police Department Virus: It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."

*Richard Nixon Virus: Says, "I am not a virus!"

*Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

*Airline Virus: You're in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore.

Use your virus scan soon...don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes
Computer Jokes


Joke: Mystery novel!

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

Joke Categories:
School Jokes


Joke: It's hard to explain puns...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Blonde Execution...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Five more reasons men should join the church choir!

1. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"

2. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

3. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

4. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

5. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Goodbye Someone Else

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: The Parrot!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Five Great Excuses for Falling Asleep at your Desk #1!

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

4. "Amen"

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper again

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Psychokinesis

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Why the frisbee is getting bigger!

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: Rejecting you!

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following:

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Name of the Company]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Why women aren't allowed in space!

Do you know why women aren't allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"

"What is the problem?"

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Playboy Yachts 4 ALL!!!

Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Two blondes fell down a hole...

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: How do you know a red neck invented the toothbrush?

How do you know a red neck invented the toothbrush? Because anyone else would have called it a "teethbrush".

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Scottish accents!

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: How Much?!

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Steps for Dealing With Peace Protestors

For any of you that may be in Berkeley this weekend, or wherever these peace rallies may occur. What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid, naive, hemp-shirt-wearing idiots, to teach them why force is needed:

1) Approach rich, ignorant person talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation"

2) Have brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate

3) When he says "no," ask, "Why not?"

4) When he says, "because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful, and we should not cause more violence"

5) Punch him in the face . . . hard

6) When he gets up to punch you back, point out that it would be a mistake, and contrary to his values, to punch you, because he would be just increasing the violence.

7) When he agrees that he has pledged not to commit violence, punch him in the face again . . . harder this time.

8) repeat steps 2 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Pregnancy test!

To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared to the clerk when I waddled up--nine months pregnant--to pay for the kit.

"Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Poor Guy...

"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?"

- David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: What To Do With Bin Laden!

As for what to do with Osama bin Laden:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: The Frantic Phone Call!

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Children Jokes


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #2

1. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

2. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

3. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Help from above!!!

A blonde named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Stealing the practice jerseys!

Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with "Property of Central High School" emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint "Stolen from Central High School." But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to "Central High School 4th String."

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: A little help...!

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Stockbroker at I.R.S.

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: The Philosophy of Beer!!!

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar, which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: At the beauty parlor!

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That's a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: I am plankton! Rules of work #1...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: The depressing thing about tennis...

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: All the things around the house that he used to do...

A man tells his doctor that he's incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English - what's wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you're just lazy."

The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Medical Jokes


Joke: Three drunks in a taxi!

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him $10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him $20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: New Improved Lawnmowers

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: President George W. Bush Quote #1

"These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'"

- President George W. Bush

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Pizza Fun

'According to a brand new study by Italian scientists, eating one or more entire pizzas a week dramatically reduces the chance of getting cancer. Mainly because it's hard to get cancer after dying from a heart attack.'

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Bifocals!

Bifocals are God's way of saying, "Keep your chin up."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Believe It Or Not #1!!!

LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: I used to think I was indecisive...

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Sports Fishing

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Reality check!

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Sleeping Rough in the Country

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: I like you, but...

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Old Chicken Joke!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Top 17 things to do while ordering a pizza!

1. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

2. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

3. Put them on hold.

4. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

5. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

6. Be vague in your order. When they ask what you'd like on your pizza say, "Oh, a little of this, a little of that..."

7. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

8. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

9. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

10. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

11. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

12. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

13. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the jazz about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly unhealthy.

14. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

15. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

16. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

17. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Bribing the judge!

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Chased Down!

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Alphabetical OCD!

I have CDO, it's the exact same as OCD, except the letters are ordered alphabetically.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Trapped on the flight!

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: How batteries feel...

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Picking on Dubya!

George W. Bush says that illiteracy among school children amounts to a "national emergency" and if elected, he'll spend $5 billion over 5 years to address the issue. George W. Bush and illiteracy. This is the new definition of "the blind leading the blind."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Palindromes #1!!!

Madam, I'm Adam.

Live not on evil.

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live.

Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.

Do not start at rats to nod.

Pull up if I pull up.

Some men interpret nine memos.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

Niagara, o roar again.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Sick and tired of blonde jokes!

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes
State Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Hawaii!

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: I'll buy you a Drink Too!!!

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Wherein Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Joke Categories:


Joke: I wish I was rich!

Genie: What's your first wish.

Steve: I wish I was rich.

Genie: What's your second wish.

Rich: I want lots of money.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The good news!

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: What Hallmark doesn't Print #2!

Support your local undertaker...drop dead!

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #2

In 1984, Ronald Reagan made a joke during a sound check for a radio broadcast: "My fellow Americans," he said, "I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Reagan was not aware, however, that his feed was live. And unfortunately, not everyone got the joke. Soviet officials got word of the broadcast and put the military on high alert.

Once the threat of nuclear war had abated, Americans found the situation hilarious, and decided to memorialize Reagan's famous quip by instituting National Presidential Joke Day on August 11th.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Paying in advance

A lawyer, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The lawyer went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: The Mime at the Zoo

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Three women about to be executed...

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: We need a fourth for poker!

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Medical Jokes


Joke: Checkout Conniption

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Temp Talk

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

'Oh, I really don't care or mind,' Said the waiter with a smile. 'We don't even have an air conditioner.'

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes
Food Jokes


Joke: The Lottery...

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Joe...

"They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000. Well, that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth $19,400."

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: Prison vs. Work #2

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear...

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Wet Blankets Through History #2!!!

*** "I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.

*** "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

*** "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

*** "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

*** "This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

*** "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

*** "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

*** "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

*** "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Blonde Hiding in Potato Sacks in a Barn!

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette running from the cops.

They hid in some potato sacks in a barn.

The cop goes to check the sacks out.

Kicks the first one and the brunette says, "Meow." then the second one, the redhead says, "Woof, Woof." then the third one, the blonde says, "Potato!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Why do they put fences around graveyards?

Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Did ya know That...

Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning, 'Not good at hunting.'

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #1

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Corporate Memo!

To: All Staff

Date: December 1

Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph 'a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load' was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ('thirteen lawyers-a-suing'), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Office Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: And then God created Saturn...

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Religious Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Late for work!

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, 'You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. 'Why? What happened at 8.30?'

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: What if...?

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A Million Dollars from God!

A young man was talking to God. 'How long is a million years to You?' he asked.

'A million years to Me is like a single second to you,' God replied.

'How much is a million dollars to You?' the young man asked

'A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you,' God replied.

'In that case,' the young man ventured, 'Could I have one of Your pennies?'

'Certainly, My Son,' God replied. 'Just a second.'

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Blonde on a plane!

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down and there were only 4 parachutes.

So the pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left .... the blonde took my backpack!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Notice to Alaskan Tourist!

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells alert the bears and warns away most of them.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings in order to be alert for the presence of bears.

One can tell a Grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

Thank You,

US Forest Service

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Give me ambiguity!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The National Institute of Health

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: God finally decided to take Satan to court...

God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences once and for all. Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, "Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: And In A Year I'll Be Five

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: A Lesson Learned Young!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Prison vs. Work #1

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear...

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Blonde baking a chicken!

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 hours .... the directions said "cook it for half an hour per pound," she weighted 125 pounds.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Centipede Friend!

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again - still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #4!

** Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

** You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?

** Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

** Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Wet Blankets Through History #1!!!

*** This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.

*** "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

*** "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

*** "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

*** "Im just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

*** "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

*** "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

***"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

*** "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't even got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: What are the pictures?

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: How you make money...

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Playing in the yard!

A little boy fellow came in from playing in the yard, covered from head to toe in dirt, and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"Wow!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Hunter in the Woods!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Just Jumping off a bridge!

Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Ugly Sickness!

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Bad News!!!

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Camping Tips!

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The smell of books!

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: True Story!

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Manners Still Matter!

A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers, all in the same boat, each hoping to book seats on the next flight out.

All of the passengers waited patiently except for one man, a lawyer, who treated the ticket agent very rudely. 'I had an aisle seat reserved and I BETTER get an aisle seat when we get on another plane,' he ranted and raved.

A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that there would be room for everyone. 'And, sir,' she said, addressing the rude lawyer, 'I'm happy to tell you that I was able to get you an aisle seat, sir.'

The lawyer, still muttering, picked up his carry on, grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the door.

The agent continued, 'And I'm also pleased to announce the rest of you will be seated in First Class.'

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: The week after the resurrection...

It was the week after the resurrection, and disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John searched high and low for Peter and finally found him still hanging out in the upper room. "Peter, Peter!" he said excitedly. "I have good news and bad news. Which would you rather hear first?"

"By all means give me the good news. We've had enough bad news lately," Peter said.

"The good news is Christ is risen," John said.

"That's great!" said Peter. "Now what's the bad news?"

John, looked around anxiously and said, "Well, He's really steamed about last Friday."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Hopelessly romantic husband!

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, "You are better looking than half the women here."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Advice for Yankees Moving South #1!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Got kleptomania?

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: The past, present, and future...

The past, present, and future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- South Carolina!

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: You know what they say about cliffhangers...

You know what they say about cliffhangers...

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: My wife said she had had enough of me...

My wife said she had had enough of me because I couldn't get my directions left. So I just packed my bags and right.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Been reading up on the thesaurus lately!

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Trip to Israel!

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Anti-harassment seminar!

During an anti-harassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Wild West Conflicts!

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Wyoming!

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Clif bars!

Clif Bars answer the question "What if it wasn't frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds!

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

Joke explanation: The second sentence implies it's the same person each time.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Kansas!

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: The perfect couple!

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Homeless guy's dog...

I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: One in a million!

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Quiz: Are you qualified to be a manager?

The following quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a manager. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Sleeping Beauty!!!

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager inquired about how he felt. "Never better," John replied.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: You never hear in Church...

Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.

I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Installing Adblocker Plus!

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going too well.

All of a sudden, girls in my area are no longer interested in me.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: How to confuse a blonde?

How to confuse a blonde? Ask one, "How do you confuse a blonde" and walk away... they will bug you for the answer all day.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Quotes from Employee Appraisal Reports #2!

1. He would be out of his depth in a puddle.

2. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

3. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

4. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

5. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Charity work!

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A string walks into a bar...

A string walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" The string walks outside, ties himself into a loop, and walks back in.

The bartender says: "Hey! Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string replies: "No. I'm a frayed knot."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Joe goes to the Super Bowl!

Joe's seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

So he starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him.

This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago.

But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Sports Jokes


Joke: Not a football fan!

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hyped up about the Super Bowl. "It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"

"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.

"Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"

"Then I'd be a football fan."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Sports Jokes


Joke: I'm sorry...

'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' generally mean the same thing - except at funerals.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Pointed in the wrong direction

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: My wife says I never listen to her...

My wife says I never listen to her... or something like that.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: It takes a big man to cry...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: I used to think the brain was the most important organ...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Colorado!

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Man standing on a ledge!

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Writing in fifth person!

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody..."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Arizona!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Compulsive Gambler!

My wife divorced me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Wisconsin!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: 15 Funny Bumper Stickers

15- Boldly going nowhere.

14- Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

13- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

12- CATS -- The other white meat.

11- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.

10- I'm an imbecile and I vote.

9- Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

8- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

7- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not you!

6- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

5- Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!

4- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

3- Grow your own dope, plant a man.

2- All men are animals, some just make better pets.

1- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Main Vice President?

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: An American Holiday!

Osama bin Laden, severely injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"

"I'm unsure of the exact time of death," His Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."

"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.

"Oh," said the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Chaos!

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death?

Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive in theater? .... they went to see "closed for the winter."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Losing streak at the racetrack!

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.

"How do I stop?" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Smart Murderer!!!

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

P: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

D: "Yes, I do. And they`re a heck of a lot better than the penalties for murder."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Good Idea!

When an employment applications asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I write: "A very good doctor."

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Best excuses to miss a day of work #2!

***Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

***I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

***The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

***My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

***I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: What would Jesus do?

I found someone's wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Detecting a mental deficiency!

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Two flies!

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: "Do you want to hear a really good joke?"

The other fly replies: "But nothing disgusting like last time, I'm trying to eat here!"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Looking Honest!

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.

The bartender said, 'I've got to ask you -- what's with the pocket business?'

'Oh,' said the man, 'I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough.'

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Two types of people in the world!

There are two types of people in the world:

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: An infinite number of mathematicians!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Just say NO to drugs!

"Just say NO to drugs!"

"Well, if I'm talking to my drugs... I probably already said yes."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Second Question!

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Gift certificates?

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could've gotten me 50 bucks.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Man Meets a Genie

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Marriage advantage!

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Red, white, and blue!

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Sure.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Women only call me ugly until...

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Abuse of Lawyers!!!

Three men were traveling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.

The farmer had two spare beds so he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there.

A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.

Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.

In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: That's one Hard Worker!

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Getting Rid of Telemarketers!!!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second."(few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? Any kind of blood...?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel! smiling of course... [If nothing else, just thinking of this list the next time one calls you, you may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to upset their concentration.]

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Signs you might be a Liberal

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Iraq, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillary Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You think people who make above minimum wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde are walking down the street...

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100.00 bill.

Who picks it up? .... The dumb blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart blonde.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Movie Fun!

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Lucky Frog!!!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, especially after all that the frog has done for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "And that, Hilary, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God. Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Animal Jokes
Golf Jokes


Joke: Prison vs. Work #3

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear...

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Special Attachment

VP Al Gore is supporting a $7.8 billion rescue plan for the Florida Everglades that is being studied by Congress. Al has a special attachment for the Everglades. He didn't invent them, but he does claim to be the first person to ever say, "See you later, alligator."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: A very amicable divorce!

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Computer Jokes


Joke: Business Trip

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: How do you keep a blonde busy?

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Write "flip" on both sides of a sheet of paper.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Selling a house

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Office Antics -- One Point Gags!

Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour? Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

ONE-POINT GAGS:

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Just hung up on...

"The former governor of New Jersey and the head of the environmental protection agency, Christine Todd Whitman, has resigned. Did you hear about this? Two reasons: Bush felt she was too soft on decimating pristine wilderness, and she was too hung up on that breathable air issue."

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Religious Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: So Who's Minding The Fort?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

* The population of this country is 237 million.

* 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

* There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

* Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

* 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

* Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

* At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

* Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

* That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Poor Bill!

"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!"

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Convict Marriage!

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Same Old...

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: I am plankton! Rules of work #3...

1. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

2. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

3. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Meeting of the Board!

There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.

After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst -- a visitor who had never attended their church before.

"My friend," said the pastor, "Didn't you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?"

"Yes," said the visitor, "and after today's sermon, I suppose I'm just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: The Young Businessman!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Blonde Fishing Spot!

The blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat, so she could find the same fishing spot again .... and her blonde friend called her an "idiot" because they may not get the same boat again!

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Happily Engaged!

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancee home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She's not the type to say no."

"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?

What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?

"OMG! Donut seeds!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Tennessee!

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Smart!

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Cooks in the Kitchen!

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A Guide to U.S. Newspapers!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: When Abraham Lincoln was your age!

When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight."

I said, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Buying Rental Properties!

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. "The real estate agent and I are having an affair," he answered.

"Oh, thank God," she said. "I thought she was selling you another house."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She couldn't find the eleven.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: I asked God for a bike...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Saddam and His Chauffeur!!!

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam tells his driver: "Go to the farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what happened."

Half an hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What happened to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a cigar and his wife gave me the bottle of wine."

"My God! What did you tell them?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: The Priest And The Politician!!!

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: I'd hate to be a giraffe...

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Alert!

"I'm hoping they don't raise the alert to the top, which is just a black square that says 'soil yourself.'"

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Vacationing in Hawaii!

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Two muffins in an oven!

Two muffins are in an oven.

1st muffin: Hey do you think it's getting hot in here?

2nd muffin: Ahh! A talking muffin!

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Adding insult to injury!

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Five More Tricks to Liven up a Meeting!

1 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

2 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

3 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

4 Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

5 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: God and Adam Strike a Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A New York Divorce Lawyer!

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: Living within your income!

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Pavlov's Dogs and Schrodinger's Cat...

A man walks into a library, and says to the Librarian, "I'm looking for a book that's been recommended to me... It's about Pavlov's Dogs and Schrodinger's Cat... Do you know it?"

The Librarian answers, "well, that rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Some people say that I am condescending...

Some people say that I am condescending. That means that I talk down to people.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Testing your dog's IQ!

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

- Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Angry?

"There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV."

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: What is a statistician?

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're - on average - very comfortable.

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- West Virginia!

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: The Farmer's Story

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Good Health?

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Letterman Jokes
Medical Jokes


Joke: Economy?

"Now that the war with Iraq is over a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants President Bush to focus on the economy? Syria."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Preparing your child for the future!

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
IRS Jokes


Joke: Couple of Hillary Jokes!

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."

-Craig Kilborn

"There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour."

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: You'll never be as lazy as...

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar...

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Performance review!

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who's boss.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Marriage Advice!

My granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "

Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Bidding on the parrot!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: First for MSNBC!

'This week, the cable news channel MSNBC is celebrating their 7th anniversary. Coincidentally, MSNBC is also celebrating their 7th viewer.'

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: So Sorry Clydes!

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

'Jesus Christ!' he shouted.

Joseph said, 'Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!'

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: The Compassionate Golfer!!!

Two men are playing a round of golf one sunny afternoon. The bet was $1,000 per stroke. The game was fiercely competitive and there was no great love lost between the two.

Upon reaching the green of the twelfth hole, something odd happened. One of the golfers approached his ball which lay on the very edge of the green. He eyed it's preferred path to the hole and prepared to commence forward with his shot. All of a sudden he paused; held his head in acute alertness and turned toward the road just outside the Course's fenced boundary. A rather lengthy funeral procession was about to pass by. The golfer removed his hat and crossed it over his heart, bowing his head sorrowfully. The procession lasted nearly ten minutes and the golfer didn't move until the last car passed. He then promptly placed his hat back atop his head, bent over his ball and knocked it straight into the cup nearly 75 feet away.

The second golfer stood in utter amazement. He wiped a tear from his eye and shouted from the fairway, "No matter how the shot turned out, that, my old friend, was the greatest display of pure sportsmanship I have ever witnessed. You showed respect and compassion for the passing of another human life and took time out of your favorite game to do so, even with the risk that the break in concentration may have cost you $1000."

The second golfer nodded and said, "Yes. We would have been married for 35 years tomorrow. I sure am going to miss her."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Golf Jokes


Joke: Spot remover

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Survivor, Texas-Style!

Network TV is reported to be developing a "Texas version" of "Survivor," the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Whatz the Catch?!

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. 'I can arrange some things for you,' the devil said. 'I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity.'

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, 'What's the catch?'

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Jack-o'-Lantern

What's the difference between a jack-o'-lantern and Hillary Clinton's head?

A light goes on in a jack-o'-lantern once a year.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: The Yeti

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Ounce of Brains!

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Florida!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- New Jersey!

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Top 10 Snappy comebacks to "Why aren't you Married yet?"

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Changed my Facebook name!

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing out all the W's.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Taking drugs!

I hate people who take drugs.

Specifically, the DEA and US Customs.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Five reasons men should join the church choir

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

And the number 1 reason men should join the choir:

1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Sticks and stones may break my bones...

Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: An atheist in heaven!

An atheist commits suicide and is surprised to find himself in heaven.

"Wow," he says to God, "you know I didn't expect to be here. I'm an atheist and on top of that I thought you're not supposed to go to heaven if you kill yourself."

"No, it's okay," says God. "I've thought about suicide myself."

"Really?" asks the man. "Why?"

"Well," God says, "what if this is all there is?"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: First time for everything!

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.

They are demanding to make less money!

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Just some Sour Milk!

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse?

It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A clear conscience...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Sunday school & Satan!

Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, "What do you think about this Satan stuff?"

"Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Traveling to Mars!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: The Best Boss in the World!!!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Office Jokes


Joke: The Mexican

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: 'Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family...'

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

'Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!' he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

'But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?' she inquires. 'No,' the husband says, 'Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,

I kept hearing Him yell, 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Giant marshmallow dream!

I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: George W. Bush vs. the Taliban!

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Drawing her eyebrows too high!

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: I came up with a new word yesterday!

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Simple Operation!

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Music Nightmare!

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Mall Santa!

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.

Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
O'Brien Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Oregon!

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Bagels?

Al Gore and Hillary Rodham Clinton shared the stage in New York at a rally held by the Young Men's Hebrew Association. They both have personal connections to the members of this organization. Hillary says she has some Jewish ancestors and Al claims he invented bagels and lox.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- North Carolina!

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: What a Wig!

U.S. Custom's agents stopped two women at a Mexican border crossing in Texas after allegedly finding several pounds of cocaine hidden under their wigs. Texas governor George W. Bush doesn't want the court to show these women any leniency. He said if they're guilty, he'll have their heads.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Women talk too much?

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: Red, White And Blue With a Bonus!

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Indiana!

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: I took an IQ test...

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Why did Latvian cross road?

Why did Latvian cross road?
Is joke. No road in Latvia.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

* Has more chins than lives.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Old Oil!

"Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after."

-Jon Stewart

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Brass Rat!

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again."

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, "Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- New York!

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Blind man in a bar!

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6? tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Blackjack table!

When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Story About Everybody!

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Preoccupation with vengeance...

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Chasing people on a bike!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Bassists are loaded!

A couple of enterprising bass players, unwilling to sit through a long, bass-less stretch of Beethoven's Ninth, sneaked off stage and into the bar next door. Beer flowed; time passed. "Look at the time! We have to get back!" said one. "Relax," said his partner, "I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to untangle it." They staggered back into the hall and took their places. About this time, a member of the audience noted that the conductor was breaking a sweat. "Of course," replied her companion, "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: My dad tried to force feed me...

My dad tried to force feed me when I was a child. After about 20 minutes or so my mom would say "just use a spoon Jerry, you're not a jedi!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Food Jokes


Joke: Photographic memory!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Mississippi!

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Jumping over a parking meter!

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"

"One," she retorted.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: How To Photograph A New Puppy...

** Remove film from box and load camera

** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

** Choose a suitable background for photo

** Mount camera on tripod and focus

** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

** Put magazines back on coffee table

** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

** Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

** Call spouse to clean up mess

** Fix a drink

** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Release the Coffeepot!

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Why should you never date a tennis player?

Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: Texans in Hell!

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, but they are only showing slight signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: President John F. Kennedy Quote #1

"I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide."

-John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father's money was buying the primary for him.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Father?!

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.

"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son?

Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: The Voice!

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Handy Arabic Phrases #2!

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Living forever!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: What's the difference?

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Delaware!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Snail on the porch!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: 'What the hell was that all about?'

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Drug Dealer Shoes!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Change is inevitable!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Tips for Success in Business: Use computers to look busy!

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: I forgot to pay my exorcist...

I forgot to pay my exorcist, so I ended up getting repossessed.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Star Wars Episode Order!

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: An Occupational Hazard!

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Win-Win!

"Hillary's book is a big hit and the way Bill looks at it, it's a win-win situation: She's making a lot of money, and she's on tour doing book signings."

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: Terrorist

Hear about the terrorist who was sent to blow up a car?

Burnt his mouth on the tailpipe.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Missouri!

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: General Failure

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes
Computer Jokes


Joke: You're not completely useless!

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes
Misc. Jokes


Joke: That Darn Finger

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: The family of tomatoes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, 'Ketchup!'

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Blonde girlfriend at her first football game!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Favorite flower!

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A Sunday school teacher...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Big-city lawyer!

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: What a Nice Judge!

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Stepladder...

I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Office Antics -- Three Point Gags!

Office work dull?... None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?... Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

THREE-POINT GAGS:

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Massachusetts!

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Osama's Inter-Cave Memo!

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM

To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.

I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.

Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,

Osama

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: How does the ocean say hello?

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: You don't need a parachute to go skydiving!

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Blonde's House is on Fire!

The blonde woke up to find her house on fire...she dialed 911 and said "come quick my house is on fire!"

The 911 operator said "how do we get there?"...the blonde said "on the red fire truck, duh...."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Fat joke!

I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Alaska!

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Smart Parrot!!!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #2!

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: They look just like us

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Iowa!

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Repairing the phone

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Office Antics -- Five Point Gags!

Office work dull?... None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?... Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

FIVE-POINT GAGS:

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, dang it, all of you just shut up!"

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

AND FINALLY... Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: A Romantic at Heart!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,"Guess who?"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: A Navigational Error!!!

One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which read.....

'Change course 10 degrees South.'

The reply was quickly flashed back...

'You change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....

'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'

Back came the reply.... 'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....

'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'

Back came the reply.......

'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Businessman is dying

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: An Easy Enough Mistake

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Joke Categories:


Joke: Pet Alligator

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm.

"Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman.

"Of course", says the barman.

"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Quotes from Employee Appraisal Reports #1!

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this associate to breed.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Snake in the bar!

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. I can't serve you."

"Why not?" the snake asks.

"Because you can't hold your liquor."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Winner?

"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democratic presidential debate, and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Halfway through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium. You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand."

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: An Old Proverb Updated

Classic Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with 'green bias,' and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Democrats argue that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share.' Finally, the EEOC drafts the 'Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act' retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing a group of wildly applauding Democrats announcing that a new era of fairness has dawned in America.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: What a Son!

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Dang! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Children Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Maine!

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #1

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

- President Ronald Reagan

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Honest Man

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

Sincerely,

Taxpayer

P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Sowing the Seed of Doubt!

Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Pickup artists and garbagemen!

"Pickup artists" and "garbagemen" should switch names.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Good Lawyer?!

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: If anything ever happens to me...

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new."

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Same Much...

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech."

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Darn Speaking Parts!!!

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: A little help...!

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Joke Categories:


Joke: I broke my finger last week...

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: I named my dog "Wifi!"

I named my dog "Wifi."

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Lucky 13!

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: I used to play sports!

I used to play sports, then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: How did the hipster burn his hand?

How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Great Guy and Fabulous Gal

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..."

and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: What do you call a blonde with an actual brain?

What do you call a blonde with an actual brain?

A golden retriever.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: The Plan...

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: What does it Take!

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'"

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Hidden Weapons

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a school is the last place President Bush will look."

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Bad Decisions!

'Yesterday, the government announced that this year's budget deficit is going to be 455 billion dollars. A White House spokesman blamed the war in Iraq, the sluggish economy and Bush's decision to finance the movie 'From Justin to Kelly.''
-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Clinton and the Genie...!

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Sally Brings Home her Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Washington, D.C.!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: So Sorry!

'The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.'

- Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Dumbest kid in the world!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!'

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: The Puppy Trader

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."

"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."

The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he as cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.

They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: The Disappearing Man!!!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Illinois!

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Church

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.

''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.''

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: One Day while Scaffolding...

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Those Amateurs!

Don't be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs made the ark. Professionals made the Titanic.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Second Funeral Service!

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building!

The blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building.

Who hits the ground first? .... the brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- California!

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Psychiatrist cure!

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it."

"Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears," says the shrink. "And I'll charge you only $200 a visit."

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. "For $200 a visit?" says Lenny. "A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Filing tax returns!

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, "What are they doing back there, counting the money?"

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: The Snake and the Rabbit!

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: I'm married!

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: "Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. "Joe," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"

"You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair."

"So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?"

"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Observing the Baby

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Open Mind

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Political Corruption Trial!

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Just a Jog!!!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas man running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Short Sleeves!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Always remember you're unique!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A bank is a place that will lend you money...

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: United-Way Charity!

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: BINGO!

"President Bush is in France for the big G8 Summit. He's had quite a sense of humor with everything. Every time someone at the G8 Summit says G8, President Bush yells 'Bingo.'"

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: Palindromes #5!!!

Rats drown in WordStar

Rats live on no evil star

Red rum, sir, is murder

Rise to vote, sir

Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas

Sit on a potato pan Otis!

Step on no pets

Straw no too stupid I put soot on warts

Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts

Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus

Was it a rat I saw?

"Yreka Bakery"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Law Partners!

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Dang," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: The Small Town Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Flights from America to England!

A blonde rings up an airline.

She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Best way to relax!

Do people who say "Exercise helps me relax" know about not exercising?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Hello Hillary!

If you would have told me three and half years ago that Hillary would be on the show I would have said, "We'll be on the air in three years? That's possible??

-David Letterman

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Letterman Jokes


Joke: I bought a ceiling fan the other day...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Have To Love Lawyers...

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No." the coroner responds.

A: "Did you check for breathing?"

C: "No."

A: "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Strange custom in our office!

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Arkansas Scholars

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: That's One Wise Indian!!!

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a wise Indian Elder went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Clarence The Parrot!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: You're not deluded!

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Job interview!

I went for a job interview today. The interviewer said, "If you get the job, forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

I said, "I didn't go to college."

She said, "Well then, you're under-qualified to work here."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- South Dakota!

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Rich Tea and Sympathy

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Bumper Stickers #3!!!!

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Monastery of Silence!

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:

"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Just out for...

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Working in a mirror factory!

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Out for a Drive!

The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.

'What was that all about?' Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. 'Oh,' explains Hillary, 'I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times.'

'Well,' observes Bill, 'I guess if you had married him, you?d be pumping gas today!'

'Oh no, Bill,' says Hillary, 'if I had married him, he'd be the president of the United States!'

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Right Place at the Right Time

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: What does IDK stand for?

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don't know."

Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #3

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

- President Ronald Reagan

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Ok? - Three of the many stupid things said by Famous People!

Wish -- To end all the killing in the world / Hobbies -- Hunting and fishing From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe." Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: How many ducks in this bag?

'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said Ranagan.

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Poor Man

A grief-stricken man threw himself across a grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Boomerang!

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A Big Game Hunter

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Shakespeare!

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

Joke Categories:
Sports Jokes


Joke: Computer Problems??? !!!

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet:

** Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

** AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

** Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

** A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

** Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

** Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

** Still another Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Three Envelopes!!!

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: I could do that better ya know...

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: I'm addicted to brake fluid!

I'm addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Amazing!

In days past, children were given names that sound strange to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that, when the time came, he did not want his name on his tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the tombstone, "Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because everyone that looked at his tombstone said, "Why, that's Amazing!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Unintentional Dismount!!!

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #5

"I hope you're all Republicans." - Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

- President Ronald Reagan

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: As long as there are tests...

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
School Jokes


Joke: Blonde Tracking in the Woods!

Two blondes were walking through some woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."

The other blonde looks and says "those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." While they were arguing over what kind of tracks they were a train came by and ran over them.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Smile

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Time for a Little Counselling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Skid Marks!

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: The Strategist at the Pearly Gates!

A Democratic strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.

St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others.

St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.

The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Bill Clinton's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.

"Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: A Testing Question

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Immature husband?

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: After 12 years in prison!

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Yep.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Perfect Coverup!

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they'd eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she'd polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Lucky Rudolph!

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?

Olive?

Yeah, you know, 'Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names'

Joke Categories:
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Denise and De...

A man and woman marry after a brief courtship and all is well for a time. Eventually they are blessed with child.

The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls the husband over. "Honey, there's something I really have to tell you. There is as an very old tradition in our families that the oldest living male gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our first child. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you."

"But, but..." sputters the husband "I know your brother. Wasn't he injured in the war? There's no question that he'll screw this up!"

"I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be."

"All right" he sighs, "what did your brother name our daughter?"

"Denise," says the mother, quietly, and the husband sighs in relief. Just then the doctor informs them that they are about to be parents of male and female twins.

"Oh no", sighs the woman.

"What is it, love?"

"The boy's name is Denephew."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Suffering from a terminal illness...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Connecticut!

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It...Yet

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Some Baseball at the DMV!

A man spent several house enduring long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles. On his way home, he stopped to pick up a gift for his son. He selected a baseball bat.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash!" the man snapped, then apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I've just spent the entire afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."

"I understand," the clerk replied, and then asked, "Shall I gift wrap the bat, or ... are you going back to the DMV?"

Joke Categories:


Joke: Living in North Korea!

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Buying A Bull!!!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Mary had a little lamb!

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Bush Solves a Puzzle!

His closest advisors came to visit Bush at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Bush replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Perspective!

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Five Tricks to Liven up a Meeting!

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), keep building up little giggles until you are crying with tears of laughter - Then lookup at the people and say you were just thinking of a funny joke you heard.

4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: I hate Russian dolls!

I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Poor Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Lost in the desert!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: If we aren't supposed to eat animals...

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: National Bird!

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

DUCK!!!

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Things We Can Learn From Our Children - 2 of 2!!!

1. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

2. Super glue is forever.

3. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

4. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

5. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

6. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

7. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

8. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

9. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

10. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

11. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Georgia!

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Job?

"Yesterday Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan said, 'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'"

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Playing with Grandpa!

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Believe It Or Not #2!!!

DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The smart one...

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Periscope Vision!

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"

The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: When you do a good deed!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Driving Home one Afternoon

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Most Annoying Goes to...

'According to USA Today, President Bush is featured in television commercials for more than a dozen congressional candidates. In fact the Bush commercials are so effective, he's in line to replace the 'Dude you're getting a Dell' guy.'

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Bush Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Over Breakfast One Morning

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First, the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life!"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They're efficient and not very funny.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Pirate Eye!!!

An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."

So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.

"How did you lose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.

"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.

"OK", said the clerk, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."

The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye?

"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shit in me eye."

"You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.

"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early?

Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: I am plankton! Rules of work #2...

1. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

2. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

3. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

4. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Pray for my hearing!

"What's wrong, Bubba?" asked the pastor.

"I need you to pray for my hearing," said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, "So how's your hearing?"

"I don't know," said Bubba. "It isn't until next Tuesday."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Catching Up on World Affairs...

'I'm not worried about things in the world because yesterday President Bush told reporters that he is monitoring the situation in North Korea, very carefully. In fact today the president spent the whole day watching reruns of M.A.S.H.'

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: Donald MacDonald at Harvard!

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked.

"They're so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night."

"How do you put up with it?"

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

Joke Categories:
School Jokes
Music Jokes


Joke: Statistician twins!

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Blonde's genie wish!

There were three women walking across the beach, there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde and they found a magic lamp.

So they rubbed it and of course a genie came out. The genie said "I'll grant you each one wish."

The brunette said "I wish to be prettier." The genie said "POOF your prettier."

The redhead said "I wish to be smarter" The genie said "POOF your smarter."

The blonde said "I want to be dumber" The genie said "are you sure." The blonde said "yes I want to be dumber." So the genie said "POOF" and the blonde turned into a man.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #4

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

- President Ronald Reagan

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Never Ending...

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Bumper Stickers #4!!!

"i souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Getting off the computer!

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny-/ 84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Computer Jokes


Joke: Tornado!

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."

Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy because this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: My girlfriend's ex!

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Just Ironic

"All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Personal check identification!

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The Pentagon's Pencils!

GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber," says one Washington senator.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Taliban Tank

Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank?

A: Shoot the guys pushing it.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Killing and Eating a Bald Eagle!

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask - what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, Your Honor," the hiker replies, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Simplified 1040 forms

We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this:

(A) How much did you make last year?

(B) How much do you have left?

(C) Send in amount on line B.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Tooling Along

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Blonde Diet!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods... "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes
Medical Jokes


Joke: Be Careful what you Preach!

After teaching somewhat pointlessly to a large crowd a Buddhist Zen master was very hungry."

So he walked up to a hot dog vendor at a baseball game and said, "Make me one with everything."

When the Zen master paid with a twenty-dollar bill, the hot-dog vendor put the bill in the cash drawer.

"Where's my change?" the Zen master asked.

"Change must come from within," the hot-dog vendor replied.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PREACH!!!

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Oklahoma!

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Airplane Games!

" A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The Traditional Way!

'This week the White House installed new software on its website that makes it harder for citizens to send an email to the President. Today the White House said, 'Americans can still contact Bush in the traditional way - by mailing a check.''

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
O'Brien Jokes


Joke: More Fun with Dubya!

According to a new survey, the United States is the third-happiest country in the world overall, behind Denmark and Australia. When asked why he thought we were behind Denmark, George W. Bush said he didn't know, but we're ahead of Wal-mark and K-mark.

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: I wish my first words were quote...

I wish my first words were quote, so right before I die I can say un-quote.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- New Hampshire!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Alarmist to the extreme!!!

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogenmonoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Scared Stiff... !!!

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the change in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Utah!

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Five-Day Forecast!

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Just looking for a little...!

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Strong Man

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes
Computer Jokes
Science Jokes


Joke: Freedom...

"Ari Fleischer announced last week he was resigning as the Bush administration press secretary in July. Fleischer has earned a reputation as an evasive mouthpiece for the president, who stays on message using ambiguous half- truths ? or as they are known at the Bush White House ? 'freedom lies.'"

-Jon Stewart

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Kentucky!

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: A Good Fishing Spot!

Two Irish friends rented a boat and went fishing in a lake. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, one man said to the other, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy said, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "That was dumb! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

Joke Categories:
Irish Jokes


Joke: Just Random #2!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I don't have anything but I'll give you half

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Editing is a rewording activity

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Nevada!

Nevada: Poker!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Hillary Clinton vs. God!

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: My friend gave me his Epi-Pen...

My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: I like rice!

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Brake Repair

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Banjo Jokes...!

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? five; one to screw it in and four to (a.) complain that it's electric. (b.) lament about how much they miss the old one. (c.) stand around and watch.

What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)... (a.) onion no one cries when you cut up a banjo. (b.) uzzie an uzzie only repeats forty times. (c.) chain saw a chain saw has a dynamic range. and/or you can turn a chainsaw off. (d.) Harley Davidson motorcycle you can tune a Harley. (e.) Trampoline you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building? Who Cares...

What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? drool...

What will you never say about a banjo player? that's the banjo player's porsche.

How many professional banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Professional banjo players can't afford light bulbs.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Things We Can Learn From Our Children - 1 of 2!!!

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Recovering from the Surgery

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful." He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Got Her!

"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle."

-Jon Stewart

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: The Bird Got The Word!

There was this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swore like a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble was, the guy who owned him was a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

Then the guy got mad and said, "OK for you," and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly became quiet.

At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became worried and opened up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Catholic ceremony!

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: 'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
'May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.'

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Parallel lines!

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Deep Down!

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?

A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: My girlfriend!

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Driving in a car with a blonde!

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Alabama!

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Consciousness!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Math help!

This little boy next door just opened his window and yelled, "What is 32 plus 7?" So I yelled back, "It's 39" and he said "thank you God!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: A Liberal and a Genie!

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Bumper Stickers #1!!!!

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Just the Smarts

Former VP Dan Quayle enters a tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist welcomes the vice president, and asks what he can do for him.

"I want a mark put on the front of my head, sort of like the one Gorbachev has. Can you do it?"

"Uh, why yes," the tattoo artist replies. "But if you don't mind my asking, why do you want it?"

Quayle explains that he recently visited with Gorbachev. "I told him how much I admired him; his political savvy, his ability to bounce back from adversity. So I asked him, straight out, 'How do you do it?' "He told me," Quayle says, pointing to his head, "You've got to have something up here."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: A Tale of Two Pigs

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"

Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Christmas Eve Service!

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?"

A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Tragedy

One day an English teacher asked her class if they knew the definition of a tragedy. One boy said it would be a tragedy if the principal died in the middle of the night. The teacher said, "No, though that would be a great loss." Another said it would be a tragedy if someone accidentally drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "No, that would be more of an accident."

Finally one very smart little boy said it would be a tragedy if Bill Clinton drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "Yes, that's exactly right! How did you know that?"

And the little boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, but it sure wouldn't be a great loss, either!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Tips for Success in Business: Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands!

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: President Barack Obama Quote #1

''If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome.''

- President Barack Obama

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: American Women...!

American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

Signed,

William Jefferson Clinton

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #4!

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Violist Fire

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: In the Middle of the Night

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Cheatin' Johnny

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, 'Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.' Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. 'Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?,' and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you.'

'So, everyone knows that he was the first president.'

'Well, just wait a minute,' said Mr. Johnson. 'The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.'

'Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,' said Johnny.

'Wait, wait,' said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither!'

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Handy Arabic Phrases #1!

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: President Abraham Lincoln Quote #1

"If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?"

- President Abraham Lincoln

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Opps!

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Christmas overboard!

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Bin Laden's Great Wall

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Son-in-Law!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Blonde in First Class!

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies .... "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica!"

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Quick One-Liner

The Bush Administration is going to be called the Wizard of Oz Administration, because Dick Cheney needs a heart and George W. needs a brain!

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Sometimes I wake up grumpy..

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Lost

"North Korea may have built an atomic suitcase bomb that could slip into this country. The good news, the airlines lost it."

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Golden retriever that loves kids!

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat anything, loves children."

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: Not Likely!

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Vermont!

Vermont: We're shaped like a V!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Fax Fun!

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him curiously. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings.

The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: The end will be signaled by trumpets!

John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.

He says to God, "So, Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God replies, "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John says, "Yeah, trumpets."

God says, "No... oh, never mind. They'll know."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: Cheating on a Blonde!

A blonde girl says to her friend, "I think Bill is cheating on me. I'm no longer even sure the kids are mine."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Trids' Tale!!!

Once upon a time there was a village up in the mountains. And in this village lived the Tibet Refugees Isolated from Danger, or TRIDs. Now, the TRIDs of this village had a problem. There was a giant who lived further up the mountain. Every day at noon, he came down to the village, walked up to a house and knocked on the door. Whoever answered would get kicked. This went on for many years and finally they asked the Rabbi from a nearby town to talk to the giant. As the Rabbi is going up the mountain the giant appears, but for some reason the Rabbi isn't kicked. The Rabbi asked the giant why he didn't kick him and the giant replied, "Silly Rabbi kicks are for TRIDS!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: At the Wailing Wall!

So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Golf Talk!!!

Four men are out golfing, and they are just about to start off when one of them gets a phone call. He steps away to take it, and while talking the other three continue on with their conversation, which was boasting about their sons.

"My son," Said the first guy, "Is in real estate. I'm not exactly sure how he is doing, but lately he has given a good friend a large house as a gift."

The second guy, not to be outdone, talks about his son. "My son is a stockbroker. Just the other week he gave a friend a overly large amount of profitable stock."

The third guy, listening to the other, states that his son was in Car sales, and has recently given a great friend a convertible Mercedes.

Then the fourth guy comes back over after his call ends, and the first guy tells him they were talking about their sons. "Oh," says the first guy. "My son is gay and has no job." The other three stare in horror. "But he cant be to bad at it, because recently three of his ex-lovers have given him a large house, a big stock portfolio, and a convertible Mercedes."

Joke Categories:
Golf Jokes


Joke: Defining Form 1040

For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #1!

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Ask him if he's looking forward to joining Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Idaho!

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Maryland!

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Joseph's Christmas Story!

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, "There is no room at the inn."

But during the performance - after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife - the boy didn't have the heart to turn him down.

"Well," he said, "if it's so urgent, come on in."

Joke Categories:
Christmas Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Washington!

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Marrying again...

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Depressed Dog!

John got off the elevator on the 15th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Spot while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through -- over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Denial!

There's no "I" in denial.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: New Minister's Car Crash...

The new minister was driving on an unpaved country road and had a wreck. A farmer in the parish stopped and said, "Reverend, are you okay?"

The minster said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."

The farmer took a long look at the car and said, "Well, Reverend, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Oath!

One juror overheard saying to another... "You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Velcro...

Velcro, what a rip off.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Best excuses to miss a day of work #1!

***If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

***I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

***I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

***I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

***I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

***I prefer to remain an enigma.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: If pro is the opposite of con...

If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of...

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Blonde rowing in Iowa corn fields!

A blonde was driving through Iowa, past some corn fields, when she looked over and saw another blonde. She was setting in the corn rows and was rowing like she was in a boat.

The blonde called over to the one in the corn field and said "It is stupid blondes like you that gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. I would come over there and knock your head off .... if I could swim."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: On Hearing the News

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: THE FORCE!!!

Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Palindromes #3!!!

Doc, note I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod

Drat Saddam mad dastard

Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age

Eros' sis is sore

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore!

evil i did dwell, lewd did i live

Go deliver a dare, vile dog

God lived as a devil dog

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He won't, ah, wander, Edna. What now, eh?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Virginia!

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Who is the stupid one?

My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven'!

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'"

The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?"

The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Amp!

What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: FIRE!

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Personalized Service!

A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a "find and replace" command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.

Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name "Mary" and replace it with "Edna." The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles' Creed. "Jesus Christ," they read from the preprinted program, "born of the Virgin Edna."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #3!

** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

** Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #3!

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: Justice Prevailed

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: 'Justice prevailed.'

The senior partner replied in haste, 'Appeal immediately.'

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Call up to the Big Man

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Greensboro, Tampa, Chicago and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign with the same answer from each Pastor.

Finally, he arrived in North Carolina. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?" The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now . . . it's a local call."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives...

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: New Jacket for the Girlfriend!

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend," I said, "what would you get?"

"A bulletproof one," he said. "I'm married."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: At the Job Interview!

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just let me take some and I'll be better in a second." So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: I changed my password!

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Imperialist?

"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain."

-Bill Maher, HBO

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Rhode Island!

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Happy old Man!!!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Someone stole my mood ring!

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Adam & Eve!

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You're running around with another woman - admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes
Religious Jokes


Joke: Standing in Line

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #4

1. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."

You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

2. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Anyone for a cigar?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Hypnotizing the Shark!

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."

"You're crazy! He'll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest."

The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.

"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.

"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: Bush Plan...

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"

-Craig Kilborn

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Kilborn Jokes


Joke: Predicting the outcome of a horse race!

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue.

After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time.

Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere..."

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Laughing with my girlfriend!

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: If you say gullible really slowly...

If you say gullible really slowly, it sounds like "green gummy bears."

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- North Dakota!

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: People care about you!

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Corduroy pillows!

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Moving Targets!

I assume you know why pipers like to march when they are playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving target.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Who Hears Your Prayers?!

Visiting their grandmother's house, two young boys were saying their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy started loudly shouting his prayers: "God, please send me a Nintendo ... and a new bike ... !"

"Why are you shouting your prayers?" his older brother asked. "God isn't deaf."

"No, but Grandma almost is!" the little brother answered.

Joke Categories:


Joke: Racehorse in last place!

A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the horse he rode came in dead last.

"Could you not have raced any faster?" he raged.

"Sure I could have," replied the jockey, "but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes
Sports Jokes


Joke: Road Trip to Oz

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, VP Dick Cheney, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."

Cheney responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."

Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: I wish people would make up their minds...

I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Arkansas!

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: A wrinkle in time

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"

"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Red Flag

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."

- Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
IRS Jokes


Joke: More than the average share of intelligence!

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Smart Student!!!

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Joke Categories:
School Jokes


Joke: Smart?

President George W. Bush goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says, "Well, Bush, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine were all brilliant."

"How could you tell?" asks Bush.

"It's simple," says Bill. "They all had to take special tests before they could become a cabinet member. Wait a second, I'll show you." He calls Madeleine Albright over and says, "Tell me, Madeleine, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple, Mr. President," says Madeleine, "It's me!"

"Well done, Madeleine," says Clinton, and Bush is very impressed.

Upon returning to the White House, Bush wonders about the intelligence of the members of his own cabinet, so he calls in Rumsfeld and says, "Rumsfeld, tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

Rumsfeld thinks and thinks but doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Mr. President? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bush, "You've got twenty-four hours." So Rumsfeld goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in the Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no one knows the answer.

Twenty hours later, Rumsfeld is very worried, so he calls Powell. "Colin," he says, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Very simple," says Colin Powell, "It's me!"

"Of course," says Rumsfeld, and he rings Bush. "Mr. President," Rumsfeld says proudly, "I've got the answer: It's Colin Powell."

"No, you idiot," says Bush, "It's Madeleine Albright!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Good Luck!

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Dining at a fine restaurant in Paris!

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Piano!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Advice for Yankees Moving South #2!

1. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

2. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

3. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

4. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

5. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: A frog calls a psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Joke Categories:
Psychic Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: On a Transatlantic Flight!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: EPA Head!

"Christie Todd Whitman, who is head of the EPA, has announced she is resigning at the end of the month. President Bush was shocked. He didn't even know we had an Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know what the EPA is? Their job is to protect the environment from President Bush."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Taliban bingo!

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?

A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Joke Categories:
Terrorist Jokes


Joke: USPS Tracking!

USPS Tracking: 1) Package has left facility 2) We have no idea 3) Package delivered

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Pet Names

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: One scary plus sign!

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents ask him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes
Religious Jokes
School Jokes


Joke: A Little Monkey Business!

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Freelance newspaper writer!

Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.

"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Call on an Expert

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.

Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.

Everyone was amazed, the father said 'You must be an expert!' The man replied, 'No sir I'm just a simple lawyer.'

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes
Children Jokes


Joke: Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: My Son?

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Roman numerals!

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Hiring an accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar...

A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Solution!

The Solution for anyone on a diet~

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner!

Joke Categories:
Food Jokes


Joke: Tough Teacher!!!

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Needless to say, he had no more trouble with his students that term.

Joke Categories:
School Jokes


Joke: Buying your ticket

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Two blonde police officers!

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.

After a moment's silence, the first blonde says to the other, "Wow, I think that's the quickest we've ever got to the scene of an accident."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: I tried to catch fog yesterday!

I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: We are born naked, wet and hungry...

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- New Mexico!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Latest Accordion Joke

A fellow walking into a pub says: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Now, I play the accordion" says the bartender, a large strapping fellow."That gentleman at the end of the bar, the one who look like a logger, he plays the accordion. And that big gentleman playing darts over there, he plays the accordion. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No, I don't feel like explaining it three times."

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Minnesota!

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Free homing pigeons!

In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:

"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: 10 Funny Bumper Stickers

10- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

9- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

8- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7- All men are idiots... I married their King.

6- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

5- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

4- Out of my mind... back in five minutes.

3- Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

2- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

1- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Country Boys Go Ice Fishing!!!

Once Earl and Clyde decided to go ice fishing. They were on the ice, chopping away to make a hole to the water, when a voice echoed out of the air and reverberated, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE."

They were mystified, but decided the voice from the heavens must know what it was talking about, so they moved on to another spot in the ice where they proceeded to start chopping again. And again the voice echoed down from the heavens saying..."THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!"

Earl and Clyde were getting quite disturbed by now, but not to be dissuaded, they moved to yet a third spot and begin chopping again. Again the voice thundered down, and a bit angry sounding this time.... "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE EITHER!"

In frustration, Earl lifted his eyes upward and yelled, "IS THAT YOU, GOD?"

His inquiry was immediately answered, "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK."

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Blonde going the wrong way!

A policeman pulled a blonde over while she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you are going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: A lawyer was filling out a job application...

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Top Seven Signs You Are On A Bad Cruise!!!

7. Your entire cruise is spent in Nebraska.

6. The captain frequently comes below decks to ask if anyone wants to share a kegger with him and the crew.

5. Shore excursions include scuba diving in New York's glorious East River.

4. "Welcome to the dinner show. I'm Chris, your featured ventriloquist. Unfortunately, my dummy is a mute, but he is learning sign language, so if you'll bear with me here..."

3. That unexpected supply stop in Columbia for 2 tonnes of "icing sugar"

2. Dinner the first night: Dolphin Baby Surprise

1. The medical officer assures you the boat is "87% SARS-free".

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Jay Leno!

"As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of the people in this room is lying.' Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and 14 senators in the same room, and only one of them is lying?"

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: For Anyone who has had problems with Microsoft!!!

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "THAT WAS THE DEMO VERSION!"

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Louisiana!

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Confession!

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die... "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: I'm a Rabbit!!!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Animal Jokes


Joke: State of the Union

"All of the major networks aired the State of the Union address, but NBC got the highest ratings. After the speech, NBC viewers said 'It was a good speech, but Martin Sheen looked horrible.'"

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes


Joke: Little Johnny Stands Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Kick boxing!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Joke Categories:
Computer Jokes


Joke: Bumper Stickers to Relate To!

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Silly State Mottos -- Texas!

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Joke Categories:
State Jokes


Joke: Smart!

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: Democratic Candidates!

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates running for president."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: Wish I had a Porch like that!!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Super Granny Defender of Justice!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Nerds versus jocks

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

But:

Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Nerds win!

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Economists, and efficient market theory!

Two economists are walking down the street when ones sees a hundred dollar bill and points it out to his friend. "Is that a $100 bill lying in the gutter?"

"No" his friend replies "If it were a $100 bill, someone would have picked it up already."

So they walk on by.

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Bush and Powell Plan World War III!

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Bush Jokes


Joke: Copper Wire!

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

Joke Categories:
Lawyer Jokes


Joke: Psychics

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

Joke Categories:
Psychic Jokes


Joke: I want to die peacefully in my sleep...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Cows Jumping!

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

Joke Categories:
Animal Jokes


Joke: NFL 24/7

'The NFL has announced it is starting a channel that will cover nothing but NFL players, games and statistics 24 hours a day. Up until now, the only channel that covered the NFL 24 hours a day was 'Court TV.''

-Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
O'Brien Jokes
Sports Jokes


Joke: Blondes Crossing the River!

Three blonde women stand in front of a wide river and thinking of how they could get to the other side.

Suddenly a ghost appears to them and says each of them has one wish.

So the first one says, I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now. Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river.

The second looks at that and says, I wanna be one thousand times as smart as I am now. Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then she sails over the river.

The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be a million times as smart as I am now." She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: Home Truths on Air Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes


Joke: Swear jar!

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

Joke Categories:
Children Jokes


Joke: Piccolos playing in unison

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.

Joke Categories:
Music Jokes


Joke: Secret to a happy marriage!

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed - and with her blessing - he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

"My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue," she explained. "Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll."

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box - that meant she'd been angry with him only once in 60 years. "But what about all this money?" he asked.

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Joke Categories:
Marriage Jokes


Joke: Her Version

"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

-Jay Leno

Joke Categories:
Political Jokes
Clinton Jokes
Leno Jokes


Joke: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Joke Categories:
Blonde Jokes


Joke: People who Understand Binary!

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


Joke: Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Joke Categories:
Office Jokes


Joke: The first rule of Alzheimer's club...

The first rule of Alzheimer's club: Don't talk about chess club.

Joke Categories:
Medical Jokes


Joke: Independence Day!

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Bad Nun!!!

There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name, they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.

After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling.

The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be all right." The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.

The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven." The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.

The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy water."

Joke Categories:
Religious Jokes


Joke: Dating a hoarder!

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard - I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Bumper Stickers #2!!!!

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace -Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

Joke Categories:
Misc. Jokes


Joke: Poor Guys ):

'Tonight, Major League Baseball held its annual All-Star Game. Or as the Mets call it, 'a quiet evening at home.''

- Conan O'Brien

Joke Categories:
O'Brien Jokes
Sports Jokes


Joke: Three logicians walk into a bar!

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Do you all want something to drink?"

The first logician says "I don't know."

The second logician says "I don't know."

The third logician says "Yes."

(Explanation: The first and second knew that they wanted a drink but didn't know what the following logician would want, so they couldn't be certain that they would all want one. When it got to the third logician he was able to confirm it because neither of the other two had said no.)

Joke Categories:
Science Jokes


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