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18 Terrorist Jokes

Joke: George W. Bush vs. the Taliban!

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

- The Joker


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #3!

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

- The Joker


Joke: Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise!

After his death, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

- The Joker


Joke: Terrorist

Hear about the terrorist who was sent to blow up a car?

Burnt his mouth on the tailpipe.

- The Joker


Joke: An American Holiday!

Osama bin Laden, severely injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"

"I'm unsure of the exact time of death," His Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."

"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.

"Oh," said the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."

- The Joker


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #4!

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

- The Joker


Joke: Taliban Tank

Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank?

A: Shoot the guys pushing it.

- The Joker


Joke: Osama's Inter-Cave Memo!

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM

To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says, "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.

I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.

Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,

Osama

- The Joker


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #1!

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Ask him if he's looking forward to joining Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

- The Joker


Joke: Taliban bingo!

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?

A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

- The Joker


Joke: What To Do With Bin Laden!

As for what to do with Osama bin Laden:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

- The Joker


Joke: Five-Day Forecast!

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?

A: Two days.

- The Joker


Joke: Handy Arabic Phrases #2!

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

- The Joker


Joke: American Women...!

American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.

Signed,

William Jefferson Clinton

- The Joker


Joke: Bin Laden's Great Wall

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

- The Joker


Joke: Handy Arabic Phrases #1!

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

- The Joker


Joke: National Bird!

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

DUCK!!!

- The Joker


Joke: Ways To Annoy a Terrorist #2!

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

- The Joker




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