2017
4 JOKES A DAY
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43 Blonde Jokes

Joke: How do you keep a blonde busy?

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Write "flip" on both sides of a sheet of paper.

- The Joker


Joke: Wish I had a Porch like that!!!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Execution...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building!

The blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building.

Who hits the ground first? .... the brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde's House is on Fire!

The blonde woke up to find her house on fire...she dialed 911 and said "come quick my house is on fire!"

The 911 operator said "how do we get there?"...the blonde said "on the red fire truck, duh...."

- The Joker


Joke: Blondes Crossing the River!

Three blonde women stand in front of a wide river and thinking of how they could get to the other side.

Suddenly a ghost appears to them and says each of them has one wish.

So the first one says, I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now. Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river.

The second looks at that and says, I wanna be one thousand times as smart as I am now. Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them all and builds a boat. Then she sails over the river.

The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be a million times as smart as I am now." She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.

- The Joker


Joke: Three women about to be executed...

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

- The Joker


Joke: Buying A Bull!!!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

- The Joker


Joke: What does IDK stand for?

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don't know."

Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

- The Joker


Joke: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde are walking down the street...

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100.00 bill.

Who picks it up? .... The dumb blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart blonde.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde on a plane!

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down and there were only 4 parachutes.

So the pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left .... the blonde took my backpack!"

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde iPod at the hair parlor!

A blonde goes into the hair parlor with her iPod on.

"I need to take the iPod off," said the stylist.

"You can't, I'll die!" said the blonde.

"But I can't cut your hair with the iPod on your ears."

"You can't take it off, I'll die," argues the blonde.

Flustered the hair stylist grabs the iPod and takes it off of the head of the blond... the blonde dies.

The police come and listen to the iPod... it is repeating "breath in", breath out, breath...

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde going the wrong way!

A policeman pulled a blonde over while she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you are going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde in First Class!

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies .... "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica!"

- The Joker


Joke: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

- The Joker


Joke: Flights from America to England!

A blonde rings up an airline.

She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

- The Joker


Joke: Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She couldn't find the eleven.

- The Joker


Joke: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Fishing Spot!

The blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat, so she could find the same fishing spot again .... and her blonde friend called her an "idiot" because they may not get the same boat again!

- The Joker


Joke: What do you call a blonde with an actual brain?

What do you call a blonde with an actual brain?

A golden retriever.

- The Joker


Joke: 10 blondes at the bottom of the ocean!

What do you call 10 blondes tied together at the bottom of the ocean? .... an air pocket.

- The Joker


Joke: What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?

What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?

"OMG! Donut seeds!"

- The Joker


Joke: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

- The Joker


Joke: How to confuse a blonde?

How to confuse a blonde? Ask one, "How do you confuse a blonde" and walk away... they will bug you for the answer all day.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde rowing in Iowa corn fields!

A blonde was driving through Iowa, past some corn fields, when she looked over and saw another blonde. She was setting in the corn rows and was rowing like she was in a boat.

The blonde called over to the one in the corn field and said "It is stupid blondes like you that gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. I would come over there and knock your head off .... if I could swim."

- The Joker


Joke: Cheating on a Blonde!

A blonde girl says to her friend, "I think Bill is cheating on me. I'm no longer even sure the kids are mine."

- The Joker


Joke: Blind man in a bar!

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6? tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

- The Joker


Joke: Three blondes walk into a building...

Three blondes walk into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.

- The Joker


Joke: Two blonde police officers!

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.

After a moment's silence, the first blonde says to the other, "Wow, I think that's the quickest we've ever got to the scene of an accident."

- The Joker


Joke: Sick and tired of blonde jokes!

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Hiding in Potato Sacks in a Barn!

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette running from the cops.

They hid in some potato sacks in a barn.

The cop goes to check the sacks out.

Kicks the first one and the brunette says, "Meow." then the second one, the redhead says, "Woof, Woof." then the third one, the blonde says, "Potato!"

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde baking a chicken!

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 hours .... the directions said "cook it for half an hour per pound," she weighted 125 pounds.

- The Joker


Joke: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death?

Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive in theater? .... they went to see "closed for the winter."

- The Joker


Joke: Help from above!!!

A blonde named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Tracking in the Woods!

Two blondes were walking through some woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."

The other blonde looks and says "those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." While they were arguing over what kind of tracks they were a train came by and ran over them.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Diet!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods... "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

- The Joker


Joke: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

- The Joker


Joke: Driving in a car with a blonde!

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

- The Joker


Joke: Lost in the desert!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde's genie wish!

There were three women walking across the beach, there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde and they found a magic lamp.

So they rubbed it and of course a genie came out. The genie said "I'll grant you each one wish."

The brunette said "I wish to be prettier." The genie said "POOF your prettier."

The redhead said "I wish to be smarter" The genie said "POOF your smarter."

The blonde said "I want to be dumber" The genie said "are you sure." The blonde said "yes I want to be dumber." So the genie said "POOF" and the blonde turned into a man.

- The Joker


Joke: Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She kept throwing out all the W's.

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde girlfriend at her first football game!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"

- The Joker


Joke: Two blondes fell down a hole...

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

- The Joker




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