2017
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11 Irish Jokes

Joke: Just out for...

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

- The Joker


Joke: That Darn Finger

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"

- The Joker


Joke: They look just like us

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

- The Joker


Joke: How many ducks in this bag?

'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said Ranagan.

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.

- The Joker


Joke: A Good Fishing Spot!

Two Irish friends rented a boat and went fishing in a lake. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, one man said to the other, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy said, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "That was dumb! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

- The Joker


Joke: Selling a house

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

- The Joker


Joke: Just Jumping off a bridge!

Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

- The Joker


Joke: Pointed in the wrong direction

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

- The Joker


Joke: Happy Death

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken!", replies the coroner.

- The Joker


Joke: Never Ending...

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

- The Joker


Joke: Tooling Along

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

- The Joker




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